Daily
Logging

22.04.2020, >>Agreed to myself to mend my relationship with my body<<
Why my body?
Since I was a child, I have always felt in conflict with my body. During my middle school, these conflicts were at the highest, but eventually their intensity decreased.
A little background, I am 21 year old, born and brought up in New Delhi, India and currently studying Graphic Design. Conventionally, I wouldn't consider myself 'pretty'. It took me a long time to accept that to myself and move on from it. The interesting bit is that as I was beginning to overcome my self esteem issues, I also began to not put my worth in my face, rather in my mind and personality. So as of today, I have neutral reactions to not being the 'normative pretty' in my culture.
However, during this quarantine, the thoughts of not being satisfied with my body crawled back in. It was easy for me to sit around all day, watching netflix and suddenly get these bouts of anxiety about how much weight I must have gained.
However, I think I am still figuring if my relationship with my body is conflicted because of my weight. Does it mean, if I lose a lot of it, I'd feel satisfied? I'd atleast hope so. I have always been one of the people preaching how one should be comfortable in their own skin, however you don't get that freedom unless you're "fit" and "skinny".
Anyway, to test if my relationship will get better, I have decided to start working out and see if my relationship changes over the next couple of weeks.

23.04.2020, >>Is losing weight really the way to love yourself?<<
So around May 2018 (2nd sem into my Uni)I decided to lose weight. The original intention was rather to "become fit". In the last 2 years of my school, I had gained a lot of weight due to my hectic schedule and subjects. So, I decided to just go for a run everyday because the gym was a little too daunting to begin with.
What originally started with the intent to become fit, soon became about losing weight. Because I think it's often easy to consider a "fat" person "unfit" and a "thin" person, "fit". So over the next couple of months, I would workout (by then I had decided to join the gym in Uni, instead of running) and had controlled my portion size. I wasn't as stuck up on it as some of my friends and family members would have liked, but over the course of some months, I ended up losing 17-20lbs. So I went from being 154 lbs to 125 lbs. Once that happened, I had strangely become satisfied and my visits to the gym stopped. Even thought I am still around 127-132 lbs, I haven't gotten back to workout in almost 6 months now. So as a part of this, I am going to get back to workout, and for the first time, try and do it only to stay fit and healthy and not to lose weight.

27.04.2020 >>No Motivation<<
I spent the entire weekend just lying around or watching netflix. I am not even kidding, I think I slept more during this weekend than I did the entire week.
Today, I have decided to finally research about ways on how to deal with body insecurities and start working on some of the activities. I also took a 'rest' day yesterday, and didn't workout. Hoping that i get back to it with more rigour today.

>>Realizations<<
I have realized that everytime I look at someone's photo on instagram, I tend to look at their body and judge it? And that sort of explains why I don't feel comfortable putting my own photos because I feel people will do the same

28.04.2020 >>Gloomy Day<<
Still not feeling like working. I feel as if I reached a stop in my thinking. Zero productivity with a lot of netflixing ;-;
>>UPDATE: 1917 hr<<
Started researching about the body positivity movement and the influencers who stand for it. Not going to lie, feeling pretty good about my body right now. Also got back to the workouts and healthy eating, and today I didn't workout with the intention to become thin but rather really enjoyed it.
I haven't even started the mending process, but just reading about it has started to help me.

29.04.20 >>Brevity of Life<<
Woke up to the news of the demise of a very renowned Bollywood actor, Irrfan Khan who passed away today due to a colon infection. I think it hit harder than I had expected because the kind of movies that he did always hit home. Makes you wonder that if life is so short, and you don't know when you might lose the people around you, is it really worth it spending the days that you do have, disliking yourself?
I have always had a fear of losing a parent since I was a child, one of the poems that worded that fear was 'My Mother at sixty six' by Sudha Murthy. I feel like going home right now, don't know if staying so far is worth it. But I am trying to think that maybe my time afar can help me mend the relationship with myself because at home, I wouldn't get any time for that.

30.04.20 >> Cooked my favourite Indian dish<<
So as a process of mending a relationship with my body and myself, I realized that a major part of me also misses home. Also, I was reading about how "healthy" meals basically means different for everybody. It is most often the things you regularly eat as part of your culture. Thus I decided to try making Rajma Chawal (Kidney Beans Curry + Rice) which is hands down my favourite dish.
Also, It's not just any curry that I like, its the one that maa makes. I am not kidding, she makes the best Rajma Chawal in the world. Oh, what would I not give to have that.
Anyway, as I was cooking and cleaning, I realized that just trying to cook something from back home was almost therapeutic. It made me feel adult enough to cook things I like on my own, but childish enough to still get so excited about a dish maa makes.
Sadly, she was busy with her work today and couldn't help me with the recipe so I tried one from the internet. To be honest, the final curry was average at best. Wasn't even close to what mom makes.

A quick thought!
I have actually realized that whenever I cook recipes from home or basically cook indian, I don't find it unhealthy. It's actually weird, because even if they require a lot of oil and other fatty ingredients, I generally don't feel unhealthy eating it.
However when I try out new recipes from other cultures, I do keep in mind the amount of oil and fat I am consuming. Pretty Strange!

03.05.20 >>Started Yoga<<
So the past couple of days have actually been really good. I kept thinking about this project and just about myself. I also completed 2 weeks of workouts and realized that I am slowly transitioning into enjoying the activity, and not the results that I am 'expecting'.
I had also realized that I don't feel very sexy, and I don't touch myself like I am sexy. So to work on that, I started dancing using whatever videos that interested me. And quite honestly, that made me so happy and proud of who I am.
To add to the calmness and introspection, I decided to start yoga today. The first session left me in tears by the end, because it was just so overwhelming to feel every muscle and every breath and realize that you're worth all this love and more.
I overall am beginning to feel extremely happy and positive about myself these days. Hopefully, this will continue. I am yet to try a lot of the other activites I had planned, hopefully I will be productive in the next week and do all those.

04.05.2020 >>Personal Talk with Amy<<
Overall, the day was extremely fun and positive. One of the major changes was that instead of evening, I started waking up early to do Yoga. I think that was a great idea, because all throughout the day, I felt a lot more calm and at peace.
I spoke to Amy about the project and she suggested how the whole hotglue could become a perzine (personal zine) exploring body positivity. It's such a great idea because that will convey everything I wish to convey without exposing too much of myself.
I am going to spend the next couple of days researching about zines on body positivity and try out different mending methods. Oh! Also, I finished reading 'Animal Farm' by George Orwell, this is probably the first book I have finished in 2020. Makes me a little sad, But i hope I can take out time for reading more books.
Overall, felt extremely positive today :')

08.05.2020 >>Too much chill<<
Okay, need to realize that I can't keep procrastinating. Even when I have been doing processes to mend my relationship, I still haven't started on the final documentation, which I thought would be a personal zine.
I have also started home a little, a part of me wants to go back especially now that all the flights have been cancelled and CAN'T GO HOME. However, I don't want to spiral into these negative thoughts and keep myself positive.
SO for my personal agenda, I am going to start working on my zine and make it as joyful as possible and not let it weigh me down or make me feel pressured. This journey has been one of the most important journeys for me, and I am beginning to truly love myself for me and not change every bit and piece of it.

10.05.20 >>Getting back on track<<
I started bleeding yesterday, yayyy!However, the happier news is that I was extremely productive today. I started with my zine, I started working on my other projects. I made plans for next week with my friends. Overall, I felt really good today. Also, it was a rest day from the workouts, and in yoga, it was day 8 which was for 'Healing'. It was so lovely because I had to get my pillow and blanket to my virtual class and just heal. Such a beautiful day it was.
I had honestly never expected this practice to be as wonderful as it was. Such an honest class. I am looking forward to wednesday, though I am yet to start with my theory.

11.05.2020 >>Coming close to the end<<
I decided to start writing my letter today however I think it's freaking me out more than it should. It's just so personal to write a letter to mom, explaining her about my insecurities.
Regardless, I am not sure how I feel about this course ending. It was such a cathartic and therapeutic journey, where I consciously thought of my body all through the past month. Now, everytime I catch myself looking at my flabs, I give a little pep talk to myself, explaining how it is about being fit and not thin.
I am also super excited to everybody else's journey on wednesday! It's going to be so much fun. Quick realization though, I think I am really obsessive about things. I don't want to dwell on this more than I should, however I'll try and see a therapist once I am back in india.

12.05.2020 >>Closing the end<<
So I just finished making my perzine, and just started with the letter to my mom, explaining about this vulnerability. As this project draws to the end, I look back and realize that I have grown a lot as a person. I shared this journey with all my close friends and I realized that they all relate.
Looking forward to what happens to this relationship years down the line.