Mind Map

At this moment, I have a bittersweet relationship with my body. I don't hate it like I used back in school (I was unable to look at myself for some years in the mirror without cringing)however, I often belittle it and feel bad for how it looks.

I think till middle school, I was an extremely confident student and really "popular" so nobody really passed a judgment on my looks. Also, the school was really small, and generally a lot of people were fond of me. It was only when I changed my school in grade 6 (that too to a girls school) I would receive snide jokes about how long my ears were, or how big my nose was, or how weirdly I walk, or how my hair was rough. And it didn't help that I came from a family where I was brought up like a boy. So I was good with all the sporty activities but not so good with the "girly" stuff. I think the word is, "tomb-boy". Till date I don't put makeup because I feel it makes me look uglier and makes me feel like I am pretending to be someone I am not.

1) I wish to establish a good relationship with my body, to the point that if I have an argument with my boy friend or if we have an intimacy issues, I don't blame it all on my body.
2) I don't want to be too harsh on myself. Lately, everytime I eat sugar or any dessert, I feel extremely guilty and spend the next few hours regretting it. I want to be able to enjoy eating whatever the fuck I want, and know that till the time I am ensuring my health, it's fine!
3) I want to exercise to become and stay fit and not to lose all the weight. this is extremely tough because I don't know how to let go of expectations. After every two weeks of workouts, I click photos to check my progress.
4) I want to work on things that I know can be improves, but not spend hours thinking and overthinking about them.
5) I don't want to question when people tell me they love me. Believe it, it's true!

I think once I had changed schools, I realized that pretty/prettier people have life easy. It was easy to get your way around, and that compelled me to work on my personality and other traits (which I am extremely proud of)
It also ruptured because I was constantly being judged, not just in school but also back at home. My father always had a thing against my open hair, and always wanted them tied. I, on the other hand did not want to tie them because I was too insecure about my ears. Only a couple of months ago did I finally tell him this insecurity, I don't think he took it very seriously though.
Also, I feel in Indian culture, you generally don't get enough time with yourself and your body. And more than often, people think they are doing you a favour by commenting on how you have gained so much weight, and big you've become. I think extended family, and for that matter, even immediate family, did a lot more harm than I had realized before this.

- cook/eat food that makes you feel good
- see if just changing something will make me feel good. Put on a little eyeliner, change hair, whatever that I will enjoy
- Body outline telling things i like about myself
- writing an apology letter to my body for being such a bitch to it all these years
- make promises to your body of how you plan on treating it
- talk to women who battled ED and how they overcame their insecurities
- picture and appreciate the parts of your body you like. Even if its wrinkles or fat, just appreciate what you think you really like
- just be free, and dance like no one is watching. Learn moves if you want to, but dont be afraid.
(I have always been extremely self conscious of dancing, and now that I think about it, I think it stems from my insecurities about my body

The rupture is my broken relationship with my own body. It was always there, worse when I was younger however it's coming back now that we are in quarantine. It's really easy to sit and eat, and midway through an episode, look at yourself and hate what you're looking at.
There was a particularly rough down in the last 2 months, when I tried staying hungry all day and spent the day crying. Thankfully, by evening, I couldn't process anything and got back to it.